3.2.1.

A sudden awareness of intangible things. I'd like to say, "like wearing sheets" but I know it is closer to webs. Green, glowing sticky webs touching everything in the universe, tying it all together. Keeping us altogether connected. The inherent logic of such a rebirth of course seems forced but I've already lived 20 some odd years thinking this way already ready already. Why not have the day that starts a "revolution" (what a wasted and overused word) be the day we begin counting down to the finish line. 

Now cooler heads know the finish line is rarely an end, more of a breathing room to regroup and restart a different path. Wonder which you are? We could spend all night questioning, but the sedentary talker was never me. I'd take you on a foot tour of Paris (thatshitcray) and never miss one tourist trap while discovering your entire lineage in a day. It's what I also have been up to these past 20 odd somethings...

Sex and Food

Had an interesting conversation about sex and relationships the other day. 

We were discussing the value of sex in a monogamous relationship. My view was that sex was THE most important bond in a relationship.  Without sex, you are just good friends who share special moments. Sex is the one aspect that is expected to be shared by only you and your partner. Dinner, dancing, movies and even vacations on exotic beaches are all acceptable ways to spend time with other people of both genders. But romping in the rec room is not on the menu in a one on one situation. So to me, if you are with someone and abstaining from sexual/intimate relations then you are not an actual couple. You are two people trying to be better friends by spending time with each other a lot. 

A woman was complaining about how her boyfriend most likely cheats on her and how she gets jealous when he is around other girls. I asked her, what is he doing right? The cheating can't be that bad if she is still with him and considering him as her man, despite possibly sharing him with others. And yet her biggest issue was with the truth. She wanted the truth of their relationship from him and felt it was justified to check his phone/email/facebook or any other espionage tactic she could figure out. My stance on this was simple. How can you ask him for trust, if he cannot trust you? People need privacy. Be it time alone in the bathroom, walking on a secluded beach or even a place where they can act freely among their friends without their actions or speech reflecting badly when out of context. This is why we have lovers and friends, because a lot of times, they cannot be one and the same. 

My point is this. A relationship needs trust, love and intimacy. The love gets you together, the trust keeps you together and the intimacy makes it worthwhile. If love is hunger, and trust is having food, then intimacy is eating. You need to eat to survive. If one partner has a smaller appetite than the other and is the one doling out portions, the other will quickly become unsatisfied with the meals and begin sneaking food. If the hungrier party is in charge of the meal plan, the other will get quickly overwhelmed with the experience and be looking for ways to leave the table. Both situations will result in a terrible dining experience. 

Instead I propose this. Go out for appetizers. If you both go to a buffet and pick a plate for yourself , just get enough to keep you satiated until the main course. The thin eater can pick amongst the celery and the big feaster can rock up some buffalo wings and sliders. When it comes time to eat, get doggy bags and go home. Bring your appetite back to the dinner table and try to make it to dessert.  

Otherwise, find a new person to share your life with. All of it. 

Imagine

"Imagine there's no Heaven 
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people

Living for today"

I find it funny how people will blame God for the problems humans cause. He totally shook Haiti to the ground, and drowned New Orleans and allowed the towers to fall and killed that bus load of preschoolers and all the other terrible things in the world. Oh yeah and it's because he's angry at us for being selfish, evil dirty little creatures.  Now when that new baby pulls through surgery and your favorite team wins the big game and when you don't get caught speeding drunk after sleeping with your best friend's wife, he was there too. He's got your back, but only when you need Him right?

Know Thyself

In all of us there are strengths and weaknesses. Knowing which are which is very important to our health and safety. Something I know about myself is the issue of my sexual appetite. It is something I see as a strength to me because it helps me fulfill my own desires and fulfill the needs of my partner. You can't get to your destination if your vehicle is out of gas.  

But as far as relationships go, it is a major fissure in the wall. It's easy to feel let down when I don't get what I want and need even knowing about the reasons why. I know I'm not running at a normal speed compared to the world. None of that changes how I feel. In the future I hope I can find ways to make these problems disappear but in the meantime I guess I'll have to keep watching to make sure the crack doesn't grow. 

Discouraging Words

I haven't felt a feeling like this in a long time, and I guess that is something to be proud of. Although when in it, the reason to celebrate isn't nearly as clear. This despair has deep tendrils, grabbing hold of the few soft spots left in this hardened heart. Its profound how hard it can hit without warning. Stabbing deep under the skin, twisting and then back out to release the flow out on the ground. Damp puddles forming, your body leaking. Doing all you can to hide the panic.

I had to leave. I couldn't look anyone in the face. I hope it goes back where it came from and stays away. It's not welcome anymore. 

Just A Reminder

"That house negro loved his master. But that field negro, remember, they were in the majority, and they hated their master. When the house caught on fire, he didn't try to put it out, that field negro prayed for a wind. For a breeze. When the master got sick, the field negro prayed that he died. If someone come to the field negro and said 'Let's separate, let's run.' He didn't say 'Where we going?' he said 'Any place is better than here'. We got field negroes in America today. I'm a field negro. The masses are the field negroes. When they see this mans house on fire, we don't hear these little negroes talkin bout 'Our Government is in trouble. They say thee Government is in trouble.' Imagine a negro, "Our Government".

~~Malcolm X~~

Don't need February to tell me. 

The Year Anew

Blazing a trail through the world is no easy task. You must prepare for so many things. There are obstacles that come in various forms like the colors on a stoplight. Reds will bring you to a halt which is never good for a burning fire. Yellows will cool you down and make you more accessible but to possibly the wrong kinds of people. Greens however are the most dangerous because although they usher you through, you may not want to risk  passing an important turn in the road. Or maybe it'll lead you on faster than you intended to roll. 

Whichever road you choose make it worthwhile friends. I intend to do just that. Back up reds, I got no time for stopping!

P.A.